In-laws, Outlaws, and Keeping Your Space Safe

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In-laws, Outlaws, and Keeping Your Space Safe 

In-laws, Outlaws, and Keeping Your Space Safe

You've got some control over your nuclear family, but what about your extended family? Those in-laws (or do you prefer the term out-law) you may not understand, your overbearing sister, your meddling mother, the know-it-all cousin...what's a pregnant woman to do? You need your space, but you appreciate the casseroles. You want their listening ears, but you could live without their unsolicited advice. The key to achieve harmony is finding balance. Maybe it's not finding balance, maybe it's making balance.

You can create the balance. All you need is a little backbone and little backup. Figure out where to draw your boundaries, then enlist your sweetheart's help in laying them down and defending them.

Put up barriers. Literal ones and figurative ones. You can change the boundaries of your relationships without being rude.

Physical barriers? If you're regretting ever giving your in-laws a key to your apartment, change the locks. Don't discuss it, just do it. Don't want to talk to your sister ten times a day? Screen your calls. Get caller identification. Turn on your answering machines. Call her back on your terms. Don't avoid her, but limit your availability.

Symbolic barriers? Do not lie as an effort to evade a particular relative. Make some changes. Tell the people who stress you out that you feel stressed out. It is not necessary to say that they are the cause; it is enough to say that the stress exists. Pregnancy is a delicate time physically and emotionally, so no one is going to argue that you are under stress.

Let them know that you, your doctor (yes, your doctor will back you up on this) and your spouse have decided that in order to have the healthiest pregnancy and baby possible that you need to lower your stress levels and that you're attempting to simplify your life. Tell them you will be spending more time at home, more quiet time together, focusing on growing your baby and your relationship with one another. This doesn't mean you can't live your life and see your friends, it just means that slight modifications to your life can be made to affect the changes you want to make, without hurting people's feelings.

If you say you're simplifying, then do what you say you're doing. Don't tell one sister that you're sticking close to home then go out on the town with another. Don't reject your father-in-law's dinner invitation by telling him that you've given up restaurant food in favor of home-cooked macrobiotics, then get caught eating at the local pizzeria.

Ask that all your friends and family help you as best they can, that they give time to sleep and reflect, to gather your strength. This will help anyone from feeling targeted. There's no need to be rude to the people who annoy you, just be consistent in your terms with everyone. It'll make the transition from old ways to new ways easier.

Agree on the barriers, then be a united front. If you put up barriers (symbolic or physical) and your supposedly well-intentioned extended family repeatedly crashes into those barriers, a more direct approach might be needed. If it's your family member who is bucking the changes and you're feeling up to the task, it's probably better that you do the talking. Likewise, if it's your husband's kin that offends you, it's probably time for him to speak up. Whoever speaks, try to remain respectful and loving, yet firm.

Schedule your stress. The bottom line is these people are your family and they have a vested interest in you, your partner, and your baby. You don't want to cut them out of your life, or even hurt their feelings, you just want space. How do you get that space? By making them feel loved and valued and by scheduling time for them.

If your mother-in-law calls you everyday to see what is happening in your pregnancy and it makes you want to scream, you have the power to change it. Tell her that you're in the middle of preparing for a meeting, you're about to get into the shower, you're about to miss her son's favorite show, whatever you are about to do, but that you would really love to catch her up on the week's developments over the weekend.

How about breakfast Saturday morning? Tell her you've got plans at noon (and then be sure to have some, no matter how small), tell her you'll call to confirm Saturday morning before you meet, then get off the phone. If she calls again the next day, tell her you can't wait to see her, then excuse yourself from the call. As long as you are respectful and you keep your scheduled date, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is your husband's mother, you can do her the honor of a weekly or bi-weekly meeting. But you can set the parameters for many, though probably not all, of those meetings. Doing so will take the resentment out of them. You may even find that you're able to relax and enjoy her in small doses. And wouldn't that be wonderful?

Designate personal time. Live in a two family house with your husband's sister and her family right downstairs? Does your mother live around the corner? If your extended family is very involved in your life, you may not be able to schedule your time with them as suggested above. You can, however, schedule some time away from them. Take a night class, have a standing weekly get coffee (decaf, please) date with a childhood friend, schedule some pampering for yourself on a regular basis. If your life does not allow for the boundaries you'd like, mini-retreats like Tuesday nights at the library, can be priceless. Take advantage of over-involved relatives as babysitters, cooks, etc. Appeal to their need to "do for you." Let them do for you, while you're out doing for yourself.